I feel so stupid today. Well, I never said I was smart.
I fell into my own traps because I was too focused staring at his pretty face, watching his mouth move as it spins me into his lies. I never learned, did I? I thought 8 months would be enough for me to be sturdy and invulnerable. Damn, I was wrong. Same old, pathetic, little me. It’s not that I believed him, but I was listening too much. I walked beside him, not caring what I might step on. Perhaps the past heartbreaks did not teach me everything, there are still a lot to see. Not being cautious, I hit the wrong target. Unconsciously, he turned the gun on me. I was targeting myself.
I pulled the trigger the moment I thought everything was fine. Stupefied by my own follies, I hit myself. The bullet hit me hard, yet it wasn’t a common pain that I felt. And it wasn’t my heart that got hit –it was ego. Pride hurts, don’t you know? But it’s not like any other pain. You don’t feel it in any of your organs, it’s somewhere deep in the core. No matter how callous or obdurate you are, when something you value or you don’t disturbs your ego, it will hurt. It will always hurt. Yes, I struggled for a few hours. Clenching my teeth, breathing heavily, chain-smoking, punching the wall, and staring at people like I was going to jump on them anytime. I knew I had to stop. But I couldn’t. I had to hear words. I needed to hear something, his masculine voice to prove that no shittin’, I had to wake up to reality –that this is actually happening.
There was no way that I was running away simply because that isn’t like me to run away. Words after words, I had to go home. So I did. But not anymore with a load on my shoulders. I lied on my back, critical thinking minimally working. I was reminiscing, asked myself one question over and over again, “Why?”I promised myself to be less chaotic and I have to keep it. I closed my eyes. I had decided –NO MORE.
But I still feel stupid, ya know? But it’ll get better, I know, because it’s always like that. And one thing that I’m pretty good at is forgetting.