It’s funny how a simple conversation could light a spark right back where it was put off. The same old place, right here, between the ribs. The same old feeling years ago, disregarded and left behind. Well, I never thought it would turn out like this. I never thought we’d love so much to the extent that we put our hearts on the line, and snap, forget about everything. But really, love wasn’t forgotten. It was hidden somewhere. Perhaps, it was always there but wrapped up by something else. Perhaps, it was sealed in a secret chest and we’d have to go through shitloads of adventure to get the key. Perhaps, it was thrown out into the sea, where the wind and current brought it far but back again to our shore. Perhaps, perhaps. I’m not sure where it went nor hid, but gladly, it found its way back to me. I feel hopeful now and hopeless at the same time. Hopeful because finally, I realized there’s someone –who was always around, not someone that I still had to meet, to get to know yet– that deserved this broken heart. No matter how much it’s bruised, I can actually feel and hear it whispering to me, “I can still love”. It’s telling me that there’s still much left, much and enough to give. And it doesn’t care if it takes nothing back, ‘cos it’s meant to be like that. Hopeless because the timing’s just not right. I mean, goddamnit, why now? We were always inseparable, always together, except for the time when we fought over hahahah some shitty things. But jesus why now? Why now, when it’s complicated? Why now, when you have a girlfriend? Why now, when I’m already so messed up? And it’s stupid how we think that there’s a barrier between us. But whatever, it’s already there. Though it’s all in our heads, pulling us away from each other, constantly trying to separate us but not really being successful with its use. I wish that barrier could just, you know, vanish. For all I care, it’s not even doing its job properly.
Anyway, everything’s funny. I mean it, every damn thing. From the day we met until today. How we had a small circle of friends, how we got close and became bestfriends (I can’t even remember how), how we spent our time drinking coffee instead of going to class, how we were always seatmates in every subject, how we were so bad at math, how you hated my boyfriends and how I hated your girlfriends, how we almost became lovers, how we were separated for a year, how your problems became mine and vice versa, how comfort works even when we’re alone. It’s all funny. Because we’re better together.
And yes, the feelings are back. Though it was never gone. It was merely kept. Saved. For God-knows-what-reason –for the perfect time? But you can never find perfection in time. Time is time, that’s all there is. If will sift through, as it always had. I am in love you. Believe me. I have argued with myself for so many times, and it always ended up like this, I am in love with you. I love you. I always have since we were young and careless until today that we are fucked-up drunkards. I realized I always have and you are the only one that I never stopped loving, never stopped caring for, the only reason why I was depressed for once in my entire life, the only one who was willing to listen to my endless rants, the only one who I can talk to about my selfish beliefs and anything else, anytime of the day, anywhere in the city, the only person that I can call mine (but not in a romantic way). After all the love I gave out for free –which were all wasted by damn bastards– there was one void, one void filled with irreplaceable emotion, so precious that I valued it enough that no one, not even my stupidity can take it away from me. That void must be for you. It must be for you. Lucky bastard. It’s so crazy, because see, I was never the patient kind. But the idea of waiting for you came across my mind. And I took it with my hand, put it up my sleeve, accepted it. Crazy, right? Because I am willing to wait for you. Even when everything is vague. I don’t know where this is going. I don’t know if we’re gonna get married or if I can even hold your hand like I always wanted, fingers intertwined and held tight enough to remind you that I love you. I don’t know. I don’t know if these words will be enough for you to believe me, after all the lies you heard from me, the follies you knew. But one thing that I’m sure of –these feelings are true. So true that I can’t even believe it myself.
Thoughts of you flow through me like alcohol on weekends. Losing you will be losing an important part of me, well that’s for sure now. I wouldn’t allow anything or anyone take you away from me or me away from you anymore. I know a place, in the middle of the sea where our thoughts and feelings are stranded, where it’s silent enough to hear our own hearts beating. I want to take you there. So you’d hear mine beating rapidly because of you. And you’d hear yours, and realize who it’s beating for. I just wish you’d step out of your rock, wish you’d realize that no rules will be broken when you decide to go over that stupid, imaginary barrier. Honestly, there’s so much to write, but I’ll save it for later.
I believe this is one of ’em that they call unrequited love, well, let it be. I am waiting for you to come and get this void that I kept for you. I am sitting on that barrier, no worries on falling since I already am. I’m waiting for you, red-handed, guilty of the crime of almost losing you for a couple of times but totally regretting it until this very day. Guilty, of letting the chances go by. If I’ll have that chance, I swear I’d take it. No more sidestepping. I’m waiting.